Finally!

After 2 days of spotting.. AF finally decided to show up yesterday! Goodbye CD153!! I'm so excited!



I'm really trying not to get my hopes up about this cycle. The last two times I had AF (medicated), I never Oed.. Why should this time be any different? That said, I don't think I can handle another long cycle.

We just hit month 9 of ttc, and I'm trying to avoid thinking about it.

::To clarify, I am not upset that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm just heartbroken that I haven't Oed once in the time that we've been trying.  

Maybe I do need to think about it. I have been so emotionally constipated lately that I could use a good cry. I would love to get all of this out, but something is holding me back. Cry, dang you! Please..

Anyway..

I don't really have anything else new to report. I'm just living day to day, and trying to get through it all. That's all we really can do, right?

CD2 dance party!!

-insert clever title here-

The more time that goes by, the more I have to write.. And the more I have to write, the more I don't feel like it.. So let me try to give a quick summary of the last couple months.

September: 

• Regular doctor referred me to OBGYN after discovering high testosterone.
•      - Clear ultrasounds.       
• Basement flooded. :: Colorado Flood 2013
• First OBGYN appointment. 
•      - Dr wanted to put me on unmonitored clomid without a HSG.                      
•      - Sent DH to do a SA. (I'm told he's fine, but have yet to hear numbers.)     
• Made appointment with new doctor for October 1st.

October:

• Saw new OBGYN.
•      - Went over test and ultrasound results.
•      - Decided to start metformin. (to treat IR PCOS)
•                  -My stomach hates this drug.
• Fought with old doctor's office to get SA results transferred to new doctor.
• Still no AF as of today.. CD145.
•      - Doctor has me starting progesterone today.
•      - Confirmed BFN yesterday.
• Still no obvious signs of O. I think it is safe to assume I haven't Oed since starting ttc.
• Next dr appt: November 11th.

I've been a little moody because of all of the hormones, and I've been numb since my basement flooded / realizing my IF issues. It doesn't help that I can't seem to talk to my best friend either. Not that it's really her fault, but it has gotten frustrating. I just want my body to work, even if I don't get KU for awhile..

I broke down a little last night, but I still feel like I need a nice, long, ugly cry. Hopefully I can get it all out soon.

This morning the radio played some songs that really touched me. They made my day start off a little better.

Here is part of the first song:

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
Can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
Press on, just fight the good fight
Because the pain you've been feeling,
It's just the dark before the morning

Here is a part of the song that played afterwards:

Then right here, right now This is the song I'm singing out

I wanna live like there's no tomorrow
Love like I'm on borrowed time
it's good to be alive
I wanna live like there's no tomorrow
Love like I'm on borrowed time
it's good to be alive, yeah

I won't take it for granted
I won't waste another second
All I want is to give you A life well lived
to say, "Thank you"

----------

I can't remember if I'm missing anything, but I think this is a pretty informative update.

I need to find more things to do besides being at work or home. I feel like my life is on hold, and it really shouldn't be. I think joining a community choir would be fun.

Anyways.. That is all, for now.
 

Restless

Well, in the time that I've been gone I have been diagnosed with high testosterone. My ultrasounds came out normal so I'm assuming that I do not have PCOS. 

My normal doctor referred me to an obgyn, but I don't have an appointment until September 17th. 

I feel so out of the loop with what is going on with my body. I haven't been consulted on what the plan is, nor have I been prescribed any medication. I'm on CD85 (after a 90+ day cycle ending with provera), and I'm feeling very discouraged. 

I've been trying to eat healthier, and I'm exercising more.. Unfortunately, Dr Google says that high testosterone makes it harder to lose weight, and easier to gain it. I'm also seeing a lot of info regarding a good chance of developing diabetes and insulin resistance? I dunno.. I am trying not to worry myself, but a feel like I need a nice, long cry. 

I know things could have been much worse so I am very thankful for the results I received. I really don't want to seem like I'm complaining. I'm just trying to figure things out. 

Between the recent stress at work, home repairs, getting things ready for the in-laws coming next weekend, and trying to fix my body.. I'm feeling so overwhelmed. 

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel like this is all my fault. How did I let myself get so overweight? Why can't I do enough to help myself? How dare I let things get so out of control?

I feel so sorry for DH.. He is so excited to be a dad, and he doesn't deserve this. He is trying so hard to be understanding, but I can tell he is disappointed. It breaks my heart. 

My mom told me everything she went through in the 8 years it took for her to conceive me, and it devastates me to say that it sounds exactly like what I am going through. Granted, this was the 80s so I know there is better technology now, but I feel like I should have known I was going to have issues. Why did I let myself believe I'd have a chance on my own? 6 months later, and still no O.. Still no AF without meds. 

My in-laws get here on Friday, and our 2 year anniversary is next month so I know they will be asking about babies.  I'm trying to prepare myself for that because I do not feel comfortable confiding in them.    I don't feel like they would understand, and I HATE sympathy. It makes me feel guilty to see someone pitying me. 

It's late, I'm emotional.. I should probably just stop here. I apologize for the AW-ish blog post. I know I'm being ridiculous. I was hoping writing all this would make me feel better, but I was wrong.

Have a good night all. <3

Pep Talk

Dear Self,

I know this has been a long cycle, and that the PMS symptoms you've had for weeks are giving you false hope. I know this is frustrating and discouraging, but you are stronger than this. Don't let the stress of work, home repairs, family, friends, and TTC affect you in such a negative way.

You are blessed to have a good job, a house, a loving family, a few sweet friends, and an amazing husband. Your time will come in one way or another (I'm gonna find ya, I'm gonna getcha getcha..).

You are a strong, intelligent, compassionate, and beautiful woman. I know you don't ever feel like it, but it's true. You need to start seeing yourself for who you are.. not for how you look. Sure, you could lose a few (ok.. more than a few) pounds, but your weight does not define you. Your actions and your character define you. The way you choose to live your life, and the way you decide to treat others defines you. Get that in your head.

Now.. I would write more, but it is past our bedtime. Go to sleep so you can finish out this week rested.

Love,
You

 

#IguessImatease

Wow, it's been awhile..

I am now on CD48, and there is still no sign of O or AF (I think they ran away together). So I'm sitting here in limbo-land waiting for my yearly appointment on CD68. FX that something happens before then.. I would really prefer not to get back on Provera.

This month I am continuing to temp, check CM, and chart. I still need to order some Wondfos so I can continue testing, but I haven't felt motivated. Besides that, I am continuing to use Preseed (when needed), and taking my PNVs. They are actually getting easier to swallow.. thank goodness!

I placed a surprise order for DH recently, and it finally came in last week! It's so freaking cute.. I can't contain myself! I made sure to hide it in a place he that would never look. All I need now is a BFP :) 

       

   (sorry to be a tease.. I promise to post a picture after the announcement happens.)

In other news, it turns out my cousin and I are TTC at the same time! It's been so fun chatting about names, nurseries, and anything else baby related. We are very close in age, and grew up like sisters so this is really special for me. I'm hoping we both (somehow) get KU around the same time. That would be amazing! (even more amazing if she moved her sassy butt up here *winkwink*)

Other than that, things have been pretty ordinary. I'm just working my full time job, and trying to make my home business thrive. I have quite a bit of housework to do before the in-laws visit this Labor Day as well.

I guess I should get back to it.. I'll try to update more often than I have been. I hope you all are well :)

BFN-no

I know I said I wouldn't, and I made it ALL day yesterday not doing so... but I ended up taking a HPT.    *hangs head in shame*      -  Needless to say, it was a BFN.

All these pregnancy dreams are really starting to mess with my head. I need to find a better way to keep myself sane. Now.. what was it I used to do before TTC? lol

I recently read "Safe Haven" by Nicholas Sparks. It was really good, and it did succeed in keeping me distracted for awhile. I need to find another book.. preferably a series to keep me busy.

Anyway, this weekend has been pretty low-key.. which is exactly what I've needed. We got some stuff done around the house, and in the yard. I am hoping to start decorating sometime soon. We've almost been here a year so it's about time!

Wow, this blog post has proved itself to be very boring. I probably should start getting ready for bed anyway.. I'm not looking forward to waking up early.

SHORT WEEK/LONG WEEKEND AHEAD!

"O" Where For Art Thou?

I may have gotten my positive OPK on Sunday, but fertilityfriend doesn't seem to think I've Oed. So here I am on CD27 just waiting. I'm not sure what is going on exactly, or what to expect. I can only hope that my cycle isn't too long, and that I'll get AF without having to get on Provera again.

I just need to stay positive. Things will work out one way or another.

In Other News:

Here is a pretty neat, feel good story :)

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/man-found-returned-100-gold-rings-30-years-193934509.html

High Expectations?

My relationships are important to me, and deserve to be treated as such. I like reminding my friends that they are special, and that someone is thinking about them. I am constantly going out of my way to make others feel good, and I never ask for anything in return. I enjoy doing these things for the people I care about, and I will continue to do so.

It has taken some time, but I have finally figured out who I am.. and I know my worth. I know how I deserve to be treated, and this isn't it.

Is desiring respect in my friendships expecting too much? It's not like I am demanding attention, or wanting people to drop everything just to make me happy. It would just be nice to know that someone out there cares.

I feel like the people I consider to be friends only talk to me when they need something, or when I initiate the conversation. I also feel like they only have something to do with me when it is convenient for them. I know that sounds really pathetic, but it becomes more and more true every day.

Even when these people do actually talk to me they never ask about my life or how I am.. it's all about what they want to talk about, and that is usually themselves.

I'm always here when people need me.. no matter what. I listen to their good news, bad news.. I'm always there to congratulate them or to be a shoulder to cry on. But where are they when I need them?

I am not saying that I'm perfect by any means. I know I have plenty to work on in different aspects of my life, and I am constantly striving to be a better person. That is something that will always be important to me. I want to be known for my good character.

Anyway..

I know what you are thinking.. "These people don't sound like friends." or "You need to find better friends." I've tried.. things go well for awhile, but they seem to always end up here. And I don't want anyone to think these girls are bad people. They really aren't.

But now that I'm TTC it breaks my heart more than ever. I know I have my husband and my family, and for that I am incredibly blessed. It's just that I consider a lot of these girls my sisters. We have been through so much together, and I really want them to celebrate with me. I want them at my baby shower, and to come see me at the hospital. I just want to know they care in general.

I know a lot of this stuff is way in the future, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I feel completely lame for writing such a depressing post, and I really hope it doesn't come off as whiney. I just needed to vent.

I have met quite a few amazing women on thebump, and I am so thankful. I just think it is completely insulting that people I just met on the internet seem to care about me a lot more than my friends do.

I treat people the way I want to be treated.. is that really so hard to do for someone you love? I mean.. even treating people you don't know with respect is effortless. At least that's how it is for me..

I want to end this post on a good note. Here's a Jensen gif:

Cha Cha Slide Anyone?

Well, my road trip to Wyoming turned out really awesome! I don't remember the last time I had so much fun!

There is only one Jensen gif to express last night:

After my Scentsy party they had a bonfire, drinks, smores, and a dj! Usually I'm pretty shy around new people, but luckily I had a close friend from high school there to chill with. Since it was dark, and just about everyone was intoxicated I was comfortable enough to dance, sing, and just completely let loose. Talk about a stress free evening! I never wanted to leave!

Note to self: Find how to make a "naked squirrel".. it was delicious.

I did end up finding some time to step away for my OPK. It came out negative, but that was probably for the best since I didn't get home until 1am. I still can't believe I stayed out that late (I usually go to bed around 9:30).

When I took my OPK today I was sort of hoping for a negative.. The hubby has been feeling pretty hung over the majority of the day.. lol. He probably wouldn't appreciate that I shared that on the internet, but I'm sure no one we know IRL will be able to find this.

Anyway..

The test came out positive! This is the first time I've ovulated since we started trying in March! Crappy timing, but I'll take it! I'm just thankful that my body is finally starting to adjust from getting off the pill.  Hopefully things keep going in a positive direction.. baha.. punny..

It is getting late, I have to work in the morning, and I've kind of run out of things to say.. so I think this is the perfect place to end this post.

Goodnight :)



Wyoming Bound!

I haven't posted in a couple days because I wasn't really sure what to talk about. So I figured since I have something going on today I could just blog about that.

The hubby and I are taking a road trip to Wyoming!

I hear ya, I hear ya.. What could one possibly do in Wyoming? Well I'll tell ya!

Trip Preparation / Agenda:

1. Buy snacks from local store.
2. Top off gas in car.
3. Pick road trip music.
4. Drive for about 2 hours.. could be worse.. zzzzz
5. Catch up with a good friend.
6. Set up / have an awesome Scentsy, Pink Papaya, and Thrive open house. (yeah, we're wild)
7. Bonfire/BYOB (must..have..smores)

It should be a good time!

The only thing is.. I have to figure out how to get away unnoticed for 5 minutes (or so) to take my OPK. I don't want someone to think I'm.. you know.. 

Anyway..

I guess I'm just going to have to deal with what people may think. In the long run it will be worth it. Maybe they will be so preoccupied that they won't notice my absence. Meh, it doesn't matter anyway. I'm probably feeling self conscious for no reason. I'm sure once I'm done with my first month of charting things will start to seem more normal. At least that is what I hope :)

I should probably go finish getting things together so I can start getting ready. I hope y'all have a wonderful Saturday!

*tries to make cool exit*

 

Introduction - First Blog Post

I'm not much of a blogger, but I figured this would be a good way to process my thoughts. Sometimes it helps to have everything laid out right in front of your eyes.. At least that's what I've been told.

We'll see how long this holds up.. lol

About me:

-I am 24 years old. (half a year away from being 25..)

-I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 2 years now. (We've been together for 5.)

-We just bought our first house September of last year, and it's starting to feel more like home. (I really need to get some pictures hung, and make the place more personal. All in good time I guess.)

-I wish things would stop breaking so often in said home.. "Welcome to being a homeowner!"

-I have a dog that calls me "Mama". (I'm serious.. I taught him to speak.. creepy I know..)

-I really enjoy plays, musicals.. really anything to do with the performing arts. (I love to sing.)

-I miss writing poetry. Maybe I'll start again, and post some on here. (no promises)

-I love to read. I just finished "Safe Haven" by Nicholas Sparks this morning.

-I work at a very well known company, and I play a rather large role on a complicated project.

-I also have my own home business. (Independent Scentsy Consultant)

I guess that is me in a nutshell.


Why I started this blog:

My husband and I have wanted children for years, but it had never been the "right time". Now that we are settled into our home, and have dependable jobs we feel a lot more comfortable getting things started. I know there is never an "ideal" time financially to bring a child into the world, but we feel we are in a good place. Of course times of struggle will come, but we feel confident that we are stable enough to handle it.

I started taking PVs in December of last year, and finally got off BCP in February. We officially started TTC in March. (We are keeping this a secret.. We want it to be a surprise.)

I never thought this was going to be easy..

-I know all bodies are different, but it still haunts me that it took my mom 8 years (with treatment) to conceive me. I try not to let this define me or my TTC experience. I am not my mother. I do not have my mother's body. Things could work out differently.

-When I think back at all the time we had been TTA I have to laugh at myself. I was always paranoid about getting pregnant before we were ready.

-The media is always advertising how teens are getting KU by accident. They make it seem like it would be so easy. Even health class back in high school made it sound like everyone gets pregnant their first time, or right away.

-I have always known this wasn't true because I know there are people out there (like my mom) who try for years before getting a positive test.. but for some reason it felt like it wouldn't take too long. I don't know why I threw logic out the window.

Luckily, soon after we started TTC I found TheBump. (I had remembered seeing it years ago when I was a member of TheKnot.)

-Originally I had joined because I couldn't wait to get started on my registries, and website (I'm lame, I know.). I knew that nothing was going to happen right away, but I couldn't wait to explore this new chapter in my life.

-Unfortunately, that was short lived. Once I let my emotions connect with my brain I realized how naïve I was. Sure it's great to be able to do research, and learn about all the products, etc.. but that wasn't what I had been doing. I had been making wish lists, and thinking about how to decorate the nursery.

-While that's all well and good.. it wasn't helping with the most important detail.. I kind of need a baby on the way first..

Anyway..

Eventually I found the community boards, and started to lurk. I was so surprised at the information I was finding. I came to realize that I knew very little about how my body actually worked.

Since I wasn't adjusting well to getting off BC, my doctor prescribed Provera to jumpstart my period (I had gone without it for over 3 months). A week after my last pill it finally started. I am hoping this means my body has adjusted. I would really prefer not to get on the medication again.

When my period ended I started taking my temperature, checking my cervical mucus (sounds gross, I know), and charting my results every morning when I first wake up. I do this with FertilityFriend. I haven't had a chance to go through all the tutorials yet, but it is supposed to help me figure out when I ovulate, etc.

It feels so good to have a better understanding of how my body works.. It's also very helpful financially now that I know when to test, etc. No more wasting money!

That's pretty much where I sit now. I'm on the 19th day of my cycle, and still waiting to ovulate. Hopefully I'll get a positive OPK soon. (See my chart here.)

Wow, this is a pretty massive first post. I guess my blog name is suitable after all.

If you are considering joining thebump: 

Check out this useful information, and find acronym descriptions here.

Until we meet again..