REady or Not.. Here We Go..

DH and I are just about to head into month 12 of TTC, and we have finally gotten a RE referral. Thank goodness.

I'm so ready to move forward after basically standing still for the last year. Though, I am pretty intimidated, and slightly overwhelmed.. This is really happening.

My consult is a little over 2 weeks away, and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm a big ball of nerves and emotions. I can't decide whether to feel relieved or anxious.

Until then, I'm going to do my best to distract myself. I'm glad that my tv shows are finally starting to come back on, and reading seems to be helping too. So that's good.

My temps are still all over the place, and fertilityfriend seems to get enjoyment out of giving me invalid crosshairs now and then.  -_-

I probably have taken more pregnancy tests than I should lately. I don't know why I keep insisting on wasting them. I guess it is a comfort thing, and they are cheapies so I don't feel so guilty.

I get a 3 day weekend because of the holiday, and so does DH so that will be nice.

Tomorrow I am going out to lunch, and then roller skating with some close girlfriends from high school. I don't think I've skated since 2007.. that should be interesting :)

Other than that, not much is new. Just trying to take one step at a time.

2014 is going to be a better year.. it has to be.

Quarter Life Crisis

Happy New Year! I turned 25 today.. whoo!

I am so relieved that 2013 is finally behind me, and I'm ready for a better year.

We are now on month 11 of TTC, and nothing has changed. I still have medicated AFs, and there is no sign of O.

I am going to call my OB again tomorrow to push for my RE referral. I'm tired of being stuck.

I am going to be as positive and happy as I can this year. I am really going to live. We are going to make this year count :)

Hopefully we will have our BFP soon.

Much love to all!

Finally!

After 2 days of spotting.. AF finally decided to show up yesterday! Goodbye CD153!! I'm so excited!



I'm really trying not to get my hopes up about this cycle. The last two times I had AF (medicated), I never Oed.. Why should this time be any different? That said, I don't think I can handle another long cycle.

We just hit month 9 of ttc, and I'm trying to avoid thinking about it.

::To clarify, I am not upset that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm just heartbroken that I haven't Oed once in the time that we've been trying.  

Maybe I do need to think about it. I have been so emotionally constipated lately that I could use a good cry. I would love to get all of this out, but something is holding me back. Cry, dang you! Please..

Anyway..

I don't really have anything else new to report. I'm just living day to day, and trying to get through it all. That's all we really can do, right?

CD2 dance party!!

-insert clever title here-

The more time that goes by, the more I have to write.. And the more I have to write, the more I don't feel like it.. So let me try to give a quick summary of the last couple months.

September: 

• Regular doctor referred me to OBGYN after discovering high testosterone.
•      - Clear ultrasounds.       
• Basement flooded. :: Colorado Flood 2013
• First OBGYN appointment. 
•      - Dr wanted to put me on unmonitored clomid without a HSG.                      
•      - Sent DH to do a SA. (I'm told he's fine, but have yet to hear numbers.)     
• Made appointment with new doctor for October 1st.

October:

• Saw new OBGYN.
•      - Went over test and ultrasound results.
•      - Decided to start metformin. (to treat IR PCOS)
•                  -My stomach hates this drug.
• Fought with old doctor's office to get SA results transferred to new doctor.
• Still no AF as of today.. CD145.
•      - Doctor has me starting progesterone today.
•      - Confirmed BFN yesterday.
• Still no obvious signs of O. I think it is safe to assume I haven't Oed since starting ttc.
• Next dr appt: November 11th.

I've been a little moody because of all of the hormones, and I've been numb since my basement flooded / realizing my IF issues. It doesn't help that I can't seem to talk to my best friend either. Not that it's really her fault, but it has gotten frustrating. I just want my body to work, even if I don't get KU for awhile..

I broke down a little last night, but I still feel like I need a nice, long, ugly cry. Hopefully I can get it all out soon.

This morning the radio played some songs that really touched me. They made my day start off a little better.

Here is part of the first song:

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
Can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
Press on, just fight the good fight
Because the pain you've been feeling,
It's just the dark before the morning

Here is a part of the song that played afterwards:

Then right here, right now This is the song I'm singing out

I wanna live like there's no tomorrow
Love like I'm on borrowed time
it's good to be alive
I wanna live like there's no tomorrow
Love like I'm on borrowed time
it's good to be alive, yeah

I won't take it for granted
I won't waste another second
All I want is to give you A life well lived
to say, "Thank you"

----------

I can't remember if I'm missing anything, but I think this is a pretty informative update.

I need to find more things to do besides being at work or home. I feel like my life is on hold, and it really shouldn't be. I think joining a community choir would be fun.

Anyways.. That is all, for now.
 

Restless

Well, in the time that I've been gone I have been diagnosed with high testosterone. My ultrasounds came out normal so I'm assuming that I do not have PCOS. 

My normal doctor referred me to an obgyn, but I don't have an appointment until September 17th. 

I feel so out of the loop with what is going on with my body. I haven't been consulted on what the plan is, nor have I been prescribed any medication. I'm on CD85 (after a 90+ day cycle ending with provera), and I'm feeling very discouraged. 

I've been trying to eat healthier, and I'm exercising more.. Unfortunately, Dr Google says that high testosterone makes it harder to lose weight, and easier to gain it. I'm also seeing a lot of info regarding a good chance of developing diabetes and insulin resistance? I dunno.. I am trying not to worry myself, but a feel like I need a nice, long cry. 

I know things could have been much worse so I am very thankful for the results I received. I really don't want to seem like I'm complaining. I'm just trying to figure things out. 

Between the recent stress at work, home repairs, getting things ready for the in-laws coming next weekend, and trying to fix my body.. I'm feeling so overwhelmed. 

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel like this is all my fault. How did I let myself get so overweight? Why can't I do enough to help myself? How dare I let things get so out of control?

I feel so sorry for DH.. He is so excited to be a dad, and he doesn't deserve this. He is trying so hard to be understanding, but I can tell he is disappointed. It breaks my heart. 

My mom told me everything she went through in the 8 years it took for her to conceive me, and it devastates me to say that it sounds exactly like what I am going through. Granted, this was the 80s so I know there is better technology now, but I feel like I should have known I was going to have issues. Why did I let myself believe I'd have a chance on my own? 6 months later, and still no O.. Still no AF without meds. 

My in-laws get here on Friday, and our 2 year anniversary is next month so I know they will be asking about babies.  I'm trying to prepare myself for that because I do not feel comfortable confiding in them.    I don't feel like they would understand, and I HATE sympathy. It makes me feel guilty to see someone pitying me. 

It's late, I'm emotional.. I should probably just stop here. I apologize for the AW-ish blog post. I know I'm being ridiculous. I was hoping writing all this would make me feel better, but I was wrong.

Have a good night all. <3

Pep Talk

Dear Self,

I know this has been a long cycle, and that the PMS symptoms you've had for weeks are giving you false hope. I know this is frustrating and discouraging, but you are stronger than this. Don't let the stress of work, home repairs, family, friends, and TTC affect you in such a negative way.

You are blessed to have a good job, a house, a loving family, a few sweet friends, and an amazing husband. Your time will come in one way or another (I'm gonna find ya, I'm gonna getcha getcha..).

You are a strong, intelligent, compassionate, and beautiful woman. I know you don't ever feel like it, but it's true. You need to start seeing yourself for who you are.. not for how you look. Sure, you could lose a few (ok.. more than a few) pounds, but your weight does not define you. Your actions and your character define you. The way you choose to live your life, and the way you decide to treat others defines you. Get that in your head.

Now.. I would write more, but it is past our bedtime. Go to sleep so you can finish out this week rested.

Love,
You

 

#IguessImatease

Wow, it's been awhile..

I am now on CD48, and there is still no sign of O or AF (I think they ran away together). So I'm sitting here in limbo-land waiting for my yearly appointment on CD68. FX that something happens before then.. I would really prefer not to get back on Provera.

This month I am continuing to temp, check CM, and chart. I still need to order some Wondfos so I can continue testing, but I haven't felt motivated. Besides that, I am continuing to use Preseed (when needed), and taking my PNVs. They are actually getting easier to swallow.. thank goodness!

I placed a surprise order for DH recently, and it finally came in last week! It's so freaking cute.. I can't contain myself! I made sure to hide it in a place he that would never look. All I need now is a BFP :) 

       

   (sorry to be a tease.. I promise to post a picture after the announcement happens.)

In other news, it turns out my cousin and I are TTC at the same time! It's been so fun chatting about names, nurseries, and anything else baby related. We are very close in age, and grew up like sisters so this is really special for me. I'm hoping we both (somehow) get KU around the same time. That would be amazing! (even more amazing if she moved her sassy butt up here *winkwink*)

Other than that, things have been pretty ordinary. I'm just working my full time job, and trying to make my home business thrive. I have quite a bit of housework to do before the in-laws visit this Labor Day as well.

I guess I should get back to it.. I'll try to update more often than I have been. I hope you all are well :)

BFN-no

I know I said I wouldn't, and I made it ALL day yesterday not doing so... but I ended up taking a HPT.    *hangs head in shame*      -  Needless to say, it was a BFN.

All these pregnancy dreams are really starting to mess with my head. I need to find a better way to keep myself sane. Now.. what was it I used to do before TTC? lol

I recently read "Safe Haven" by Nicholas Sparks. It was really good, and it did succeed in keeping me distracted for awhile. I need to find another book.. preferably a series to keep me busy.

Anyway, this weekend has been pretty low-key.. which is exactly what I've needed. We got some stuff done around the house, and in the yard. I am hoping to start decorating sometime soon. We've almost been here a year so it's about time!

Wow, this blog post has proved itself to be very boring. I probably should start getting ready for bed anyway.. I'm not looking forward to waking up early.

SHORT WEEK/LONG WEEKEND AHEAD!

"O" Where For Art Thou?

I may have gotten my positive OPK on Sunday, but fertilityfriend doesn't seem to think I've Oed. So here I am on CD27 just waiting. I'm not sure what is going on exactly, or what to expect. I can only hope that my cycle isn't too long, and that I'll get AF without having to get on Provera again.

I just need to stay positive. Things will work out one way or another.

In Other News:

Here is a pretty neat, feel good story :)

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/man-found-returned-100-gold-rings-30-years-193934509.html

High Expectations?

My relationships are important to me, and deserve to be treated as such. I like reminding my friends that they are special, and that someone is thinking about them. I am constantly going out of my way to make others feel good, and I never ask for anything in return. I enjoy doing these things for the people I care about, and I will continue to do so.

It has taken some time, but I have finally figured out who I am.. and I know my worth. I know how I deserve to be treated, and this isn't it.

Is desiring respect in my friendships expecting too much? It's not like I am demanding attention, or wanting people to drop everything just to make me happy. It would just be nice to know that someone out there cares.

I feel like the people I consider to be friends only talk to me when they need something, or when I initiate the conversation. I also feel like they only have something to do with me when it is convenient for them. I know that sounds really pathetic, but it becomes more and more true every day.

Even when these people do actually talk to me they never ask about my life or how I am.. it's all about what they want to talk about, and that is usually themselves.

I'm always here when people need me.. no matter what. I listen to their good news, bad news.. I'm always there to congratulate them or to be a shoulder to cry on. But where are they when I need them?

I am not saying that I'm perfect by any means. I know I have plenty to work on in different aspects of my life, and I am constantly striving to be a better person. That is something that will always be important to me. I want to be known for my good character.

Anyway..

I know what you are thinking.. "These people don't sound like friends." or "You need to find better friends." I've tried.. things go well for awhile, but they seem to always end up here. And I don't want anyone to think these girls are bad people. They really aren't.

But now that I'm TTC it breaks my heart more than ever. I know I have my husband and my family, and for that I am incredibly blessed. It's just that I consider a lot of these girls my sisters. We have been through so much together, and I really want them to celebrate with me. I want them at my baby shower, and to come see me at the hospital. I just want to know they care in general.

I know a lot of this stuff is way in the future, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I feel completely lame for writing such a depressing post, and I really hope it doesn't come off as whiney. I just needed to vent.

I have met quite a few amazing women on thebump, and I am so thankful. I just think it is completely insulting that people I just met on the internet seem to care about me a lot more than my friends do.

I treat people the way I want to be treated.. is that really so hard to do for someone you love? I mean.. even treating people you don't know with respect is effortless. At least that's how it is for me..

I want to end this post on a good note. Here's a Jensen gif: